A couple of Months back I was called to do a session for the kids of a religious school where both boys and girls were kept separate. So I had to do the session for girls and then I had to repeat the same session for boys! I asked the principal, ‘Why?’ and he said…’Well, young boys and girls have sexual thoughts, so to suppress that we aren’t even allowing them to talk.’
You might think that this school has the “shareefest” kids in town. I thought the same until I went to the bathroom and the hand-wash areas. And scribbled all over the walls in pencil and charcoal were sexual things which were pretty graphic and obscene. But the real question is if the school is suppressing Sexual Conversation then who are these kids learning from?
From YouTubers who are asking girls to eat a banana out of their hand, from Bollywood that objectifies women and from Nicki Minaj who is doing this. It’s sad because they make sex appear disrespectful, dirty and rotten. I thought the same until I realized that Sex is fun, it’s exciting, it’s liberating! And today I am going to tell you exactly how. So in today’s video I am going to answer 9 of the most commonly asked questions related to Sex, but most importantly in the end, I’ll give you a Bonus Tip that’ll help you decide whether it is the right age and time to just do it.
I picked the top 9 questions that were asked most frequently and that’s what I am going to answer today.
1.Is Sex Painful?
I wouldn’t say, ‘Painful’, but the first few times, sex would be uncomfortable. Frankly, it will feel like things are being stretched. It’s just like doing yoga. The more you relax your body, the better it gets. I’ve spoiled Yoga for you, didn’t I? But if it’s hurting too much, then stop.
If it’s bleeding, then stop. Because it means that one or all of these 3 things is true.
- You are not ready for it.
- You are not comfortable with your partner.
- Having a physical condition like UTI or STDs can make sex painful. I’ll tell you what they are and how to prevent them in a minute. But remember, sex is not supposed to be painful ..if you have the right knowledge and the right partner.
2. What are STDs and how to prevent/cure them?
Anybody who is sexually active is scared of this acronym.. STDs… Sexually Transmitted Diseases or infections that mostly spread through Sexual Intercourse. Needless to say, the risk of STDs increases if you have multiple partners or if your partner has had multiple partners. STDs include Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphilis, HIV, Genital Warts, Genital Herpes, Hepatitis B… Now how do you know if you have them? You might experience…pain during sex, pain during urination, unusual discharge, bleeding, itching, rashes in your genital areas…things that are not pretty. But what makes STDs really scary is that most of them do not have any symptoms. So until the damage is done, you might not even know about them. And some STDs like HIV are deadly.
But the good news is, most of the STDs can be cured and all of them can be avoided if you do these 3 things…
- Practice Safe Sex i.e. use condoms.
- Ask your partner, ‘Do you have any STDs?’ I know it’s not sexy but trust me no sex is worth it if it comes with a disease.
- Go to a clinic and get yourself and your partner tested for STDs. Please do not be embarrassed about seeing a doctor. Everybody has sex. All I am asking you is to be smart about it.
3. How to practice safe sex?
Safe Sex as the name suggests is having sex that is safe without catching any STDs or Urinary Tract Infections. To practice Safe Sex, you need to Use condoms, get yourself tested regularly and maintain personal hygiene.
Why Hygiene? Because plumbing and pleasure are unfortunately at the same place because of which during sex, bacteria can enter your urinary tract causing Urinary Tract Infection. And that can lead to bloody urine, burning sensation while peeing, pain during sex and more. All of this can be prevented simply by cleaning your genitals before and after sex, urinating immediately after and drinking lots of water. I know it might sound like a lot of work but if there is one motto you should have in life, it should be Safe Sex or No Sex At All.
4. What are the different Birth Control options?
Birth Control is when you want to have sex without getting pregnant. There are 2 types of birth control methods. Non-Hormonal and Hormonal. Non-Hormonal methods include Cervical Cap, Spermicide, Copper IUD and the most commonly available, Condom. Hormonal methods include Pill, Patch, Ring and Birth Control Shots.
But remember, hormonal methods are not always recommended because they screw up the menstrual cycle which is important for the health of a woman. The best way to pick is to visit a clinic and discuss the safest option depending upon the medical condition of you and your partner.
5. Should you have sex during periods?
It’s really up to you. Usually periods bring pain, irritation and a lot of mess. So feel free to take a break for 5-6 days. But if you still want to go ahead then remember the risk of certain STDs increases during menstruation. And if you think you will not get pregnant during this time then it’s not true. The risk of pregnancy gets slightly less but it still exists.
6. I don't enjoy sex. Is it normal?
Yes. Sex is complicated and almost nobody gets it right the first time and the second time and the third time… If I had to give you a checklist then to enjoy sex these are the 3 things that you must do.
- Communicate with your partner and tell him/her what you enjoy and what you don’t.
- Everybody’s pleasure buttons are at different places. So it’s your job to experiment and find out what works for you.
- SPOILER ALERT: It may take years. But the number one thing you need to make sex pleasurable is Consent. You need to be absolutely 100% sure that you want to do it without being under someone else’s influence. I’ll talk to you more about consent in the next question.
When I was 23, my boyfriend kissed me by force and we had sex. I did not say no because he said he loves me. Was I wrong? Before I answer that question, let me give you 3 examples to help you understand in what scenarios you can say ‘No’. Somebody drops you at office everyday, showers you with gifts, buys you dinner and says… ‘Now you owe me Sex!’ Say NO! Suppose you and your partner are kissing. You stop and you get up and your partner says, ‘But now you turned me on, so you need to have sex with me.’ Say NO! Suppose you had sex with someone last weekend and now they are knocking on your door demanding sex saying ‘But you liked it last week!’ Say NO! And then call the police.
No matter the gender, sex is pleasurable only when you have CONSENT. Consent is when your partner says ‘Can’t wait for it!’ ‘Lets do this!’ ‘YES’ Not having consent is… ‘Erm…I don’t know’ ‘May be’ ‘If you want it, then…’ If you don’t have consent and if your partner is not 100% sure then sex is called rape. And we are not to blame because Bollywood has taught us that you must repeatedly harass a girl even if she says, ‘No’. But both you and I know that actors, directors and choreographers have been accused in the ‘#Metoo’ movement. That just proves that Bollywood doesn’t understand the concept of Consent. Because for them ‘Ladki ki na me hi, uski haan hai.’
So to answer your question, remember you don’t ‘owe’ sex to anyone just because they say they ‘love’ you. And if somebody is making you have sex without your consent then I urge you to please reach out to your parents, your siblings, the police.
8.What is the right age for parents to talk to their kids about sex?
See, all the kids are annoyingly curious. They are curious about their bodies, they want to know where babies came from and they will want to know about sex. If not from you, then they’ll learn from them. Now before these people corrupt your child’s mind it’s important that you as a parent open that communication line.
And this is how you do it.
- Teach them anatomically correct name for their genitals. Words like Penis, Vagina and Bum should be as common as say… arm or feet.
- When they are 4 or 5, teach them about personal boundaries and how to differentiate between a ‘good touch’ and a ‘bad touch’. This is where they will start learning about consent.
- When they are around 9 or 10 and spend time online, teach them about internet safety. Frankly tell them that it is illegal to share sexually explicit photos of themselves or their peers. In fact, start a conversation and get to know their views.
- Now when you talk to them about sexual preferences and Safe Sex, it will not be weird because you have established that you are a ‘cool’ parent and a responsible one. So tomorrow if your kids get into an abusive relationship or if they are under peer pressure to get laid instead of making the wrong choice they know that they can come and talk to you.
- I keep thinking about love and sex and I am unable to focus on my studies. What should I do about it?
Let me tell you a secret. This is something you will learn much later. Sex is not just a physical experience. It is also a mental stimulation and not every tom, dick and harry can mentally stimulate you. You need to find a partner who cares for you, who makes you happy and is hopefully smart and well-read. And for them to like you, you also need to have the same qualities, right?
So the first step to truly enjoy sex (at the risk of sounding like your parents) is to first work on yourself. Focus on your studies, focus on your career. Sex is not going anywhere.
So I promised that I will tell you how to decide whether it is the right age and time to just do it. The right age is obviously, adulthood because of either of you is a minor then somebody is going to jail. Because sexual intercourse involving minors is a serious offense, anywhere in the world. But if both of you are adults then sex is beautiful if you have consent. But if you are uncomfortable, feeling guilty or doing it just to maintain a relationship then believe me that relationship is not worth having. If you have any further questions then comment below and let me know.